CHARLESTON, SC—In the former South Carolina governor’s first major crisis as a presidential candidate, Nikki Haley was reportedly panicking Wednesday after someone actually ordered one of her campaign’s T-shirts. “I thought it was maybe my husband at first, but I asked him, and he said it wasn’t him—he didn’t even know I was running for president,” said Haley, whose campaign headquarters was thrown into absolute chaos following the order of the single size-medium navy blue “Nikki Haley for President” cotton shirt. “I mean, what the hell? We only have a campaign store to make the website look legit. Wait, they ordered a mug too? Who is this big weirdo? I guess we could screen-print it, but I don’t even know if I want their support. Good God, what are we going to do if a second order comes in?” At press time, Haley was said to have decided it would be easier to simply drop out of the 2024 race.
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