On Feb. 3, trains carrying toxic chemicals including butyl acrylate and vinyl chloride derailed in East Palestine, OH, leading to a chain of events that have been scrutinized for their impact on theenvironment and local residents. The Onion tells you everything you need to know about the train derailment and toxic chemicals in Ohio.
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Q: Where is East Palestine?
A: Hop on I-76 and keep driving till you hit the permanent smoke cloud, you can’t miss it.
Q: What caused the derailment?
A: Officials are reportedly investigating whether the train was drunk.
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Q: What is butyl acrylate?
A: A sweet-smelling, colorless liquid that shouldn’t be inhaled, ingested, or federally acknowledged.
Q: What is vinyl chloride?
A: A type of chloride popular in the ’60s and ’70s that has made a recent comeback among chloride snobs.
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Q: Didn’t railroad workers want to strike last year to improve things like train-inspection conditions, but President Biden blocked them to protect corporate interests?
A: Well, sure, but it made railway shareholder dividends go up.
Q: This won’t delay my shipments of cheap consumer goods, will it?
A: God no, this is America!
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Q: How are government officials helping the people of East Palestine?
A: By collaborating on a series of pamphlets highlighting the benefits of cancer.
Q: How can Norfolk Southern Railway rebound from this fiasco?
A: They’ll certainly need to consider layoffs.
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Q: What is being done for employees impacted by the derailment?
A: Biden has urged any affected railroad workers to give themselves time to recover using their ample paid time off.
Q: What will the long-term effects of this disaster be?
A: A golden age of class-action lawsuit commercials in 10 to 15 years.
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