Cackling Oil Executive Watches Through Crystal Orb As Greta Thunberg Gets Lost In Nordic Forest

IRVING, TX—Throwing back his head as he let out a screeching cackle, ExxonMobil CEO Darren Woods was reportedly using his crystal orb Thursday to watch Greta Thunberg get lost in a Nordic forest. “Dear little Greta, you seem to have stumbled into quite a quagmire this time,” said Woods, grinning widely as he pressed his face close to the surface of the ethereal orb, which showed the young climate activist turning in a circle as she attempted to find her bearings in the heart of the quickly darkening Scandinavian woods. “Who will save you now, dearie? The moose? The lynx? They’ve all been forced to migrate northward in search of cooler temperatures. Or perhaps your precious, precious trees will protect you! Are you going to leave a little trail of breadcrumbs or would that be…littering? Uh-oh, that’s not a wolf I hear, is it? Good luck, little Thunberg!” At press time, reports confirmed Woods’ orb had gone dark due to strains on the power grid.

The Onion