Kidney Freaking Out After Waking Up In Cooler Full Of Ice With Rest Of Man Missing

SKOPJE, NORTH MACEDONIA—Panicking while growing increasingly aware that there was no escape, a local kidney reportedly freaked out Thursday after waking up in a cooler full of ice with the rest of its man missing. “Oh fuck, oh fuck! Oh shit, where the hell am I?” said the bean-shaped organ, becoming more terrified still as it shivered inside the frigid cooler and discovered that its entire host body was gone. “Last thing I remember was removing some waste from the bloodstream, and then suddenly everything went black and I woke up here without my guy. They must have cut him out while I was unconscious. Shit, shit, shit, I’ve heard about this from the other kidney, but I always thought it was an urban legend. Goddamn it, I never should have tried to filter that sixth shot.” At press time, the kidney had gone completely silent and stock still as muffled voices speaking an unknown foreign language approached the cooler.

The Onion

Jesus Christ is King