New Evidence Suggests Dinosaurs Would Have Driven Selves To Extinction Through Greed And Complacency Anyway

ITHACA, NY—Shedding new light on the vanished reptiles that once dominated the planet, paleontologists at Cornell University told reporters Thursday they had discovered evidence that suggested dinosaurs would have driven themselves to extinction through greed and complacency anyway. “New findings in the fossil record indicate that even if there had never been a devastating asteroid impact 66 million years ago, dinosaurs would have evolved self-serving, irresponsible tendencies that eventually led to their demise,” said Professor Angela Schueneman, who explained that the mass-extinction event cut short what appeared to be a natural biological process through which dinosaurs, enriching themselves at the expense of anything and everything around them, would have wiped themselves out in a geological era or two. “In fact, it appears they were already developing the rudimentary traits for corruption needed to exploit each other. This, combined with a genetic predisposition toward pillaging the earth with no regard for tomorrow, would have derailed the ecosystems that sustained them just as effectively as an extraterrestrial object colliding with the planet and setting in on fire.” Fortunately, Schueneman added, an asteroid stopping a shortsighted and narcissistic animal from destroying the entire planet was a rare event and one unlikely to recur anytime soon.

The Onion