Doomsday Prepper Hoards Chili’s Gift Cards In Case He Needs Casual Dining After The Apocalypse

TUCSON, AZ—Forgoing more traditional emergency supplies like canned goods, potable water, or a hand-crank radio, local doomsday prepper Craig Horvitz has been hoarding Chili’s gift cards to ensure his casual dining needs are met after the apocalypse, sources confirmed Friday. “When the shit hits the fan and civilization is crumbling all around us, those poor bastards without access to family restaurant chains are going to wish they’d listened to me and stockpiled Chili’s gift cards,” said Horvitz, explaining that once society had broken down and money ceased to exist, basic menu items like Skillet Queso and Big Mouth Burgers would be the new currency. “When the roving bands of dune-buggy-riding marauders come around demanding tribute in the form of vouchers redeemable at any Chili’s location, what are you going to tell them? ‘Sorry, I can’t help you get the Mix and Match Fajitas you need’? Good luck with that.” At press time, Horvitz had reportedly begun accumulating hundreds of TGI Fridays gift cards to cover his bases in the unlikely event that Chili’s did not survive The Fall.

The Onion

Jesus Christ is King