‘Harry Potter’ Fan Always Dreamed Of Receiving Magical Defamation Letter From J.K. Rowling

DOVER, MA—Saying that he waited for this moment since he was 11 years old, local Harry Potter fan Graham Wheelan told reporters Friday that he always dreamed of receiving a magical defamation letter from J.K. Rowling. “I’m a defendant! I’m a defendant! And I’m going to face legal action for speaking out against my favorite disgraced children’s author!” exclaimed Wheelan, who ripped open the large, intricate envelope, screamed, and revealed that deep down he had always known he wasn’t an ordinary muggle and would one day be called upon to enter the fantastical land of litigation. “My whole life, I’ve been destined to journey to a far off court and lose my entire life savings to a TERF worth over $1 billion. All the signs were there—the threatening DMs, the cease and desists, and her clear disdain for anyone who disputes her. Now, I finally get to use my powers! Assuming She Who Should Not Be Named doesn’t kill me first.” At press time, Wheelan could not be reached for comment as a large, hairy Scottish man had reportedly driven to his house, put him on his motorcycle, and whisked him off to debtors’ prison.

The Onion