Justice Department Concurs With Matt Gaetz Defense That 17-Year-Olds Pretty Much Ready To Roll

WASHINGTON—Announcing the decision to end its sex-trafficking investigation into the Republican congressman, the Justice Department stated Friday that it concurred with Rep. Matt Gaetz’s defense that 17-year-olds were pretty much ready to roll. “After two years of pouring over every detail within this highly sensitive case, we have concluded that Mr. Gaetz was correct when he pointed out that come on, at that age, a girl is all but cleared for landing,” said Attorney General Merrick Garland, who added that the women Gaetz is alleged to have paid for sex—at least one of whom was a girl under 18—were mature for their age, and that they were “pretty much fair game” if they wanted to accept cash in exchange for sleeping with a member of Congress. “The Justice Department took this case extremely seriously, and by all accounts, the witnesses and the evidence point to the fact that these girls were definitely old enough to give the green light. If anything, we agree with Gaetz that they’d also have been ready to do that at an even younger age, like 14 or 15. Seriously, just look at them.” Garland went on to announce that any underage woman who came forward to accuse Gaetz of sex-trafficking would face federal charges of being a ho-bag slut.

The Onion