WASHINGTON—Fighting back tears as he mustered the courage to do what needed to be done, Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg reportedly cut a train’s brake lines Monday so it could run free. “Go, just get out of here! You’ve been trapped for too long, and you deserve to roam,” a visibly distressed Buttigieg said as he slapped the train’s caboose, attempting to push it out of the rail yard. “Get out of this terrible place! Go play with the other trains! Come on, get. Can’t you see you’re not wanted here anymore!? Don’t look back, you beautiful creature.” At press time, sources confirmed a teary-eyed Buttigieg had to put the train out of its misery after it had derailed, spilling toxic chemicals.
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