OMAHA, NE—Noticing a shift in the winds and a rustling of leaves off in the distance, wizened office sage Frank Cahill whispered “Layoffs a-comin’” Monday as he stared out over the horizon. “Looks like diminishing head counts are coming in fast from headquarters in the East,” said Cahill, pointing to a herd of sales team members who were already acting restless in their cubicles and were reportedly “fixin’ to bolt.” “I got that same tightness in my knee I felt during the bad Q1 of ’18, a sure sign that severance offers are headed this way. If people know what’s good for ’em, they’ll be making peace with their CEO and seeking refuge in other job opportunities before the cuts hit.” At press time, sources confirmed Cahill was quickly packing up his personal belongings and ready to head out to the unemployment office in preparation for the worst.
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