Marrying Woman Who Doesn’t Eat Her Pizza Crusts Best Decision Man Ever Made

HOUSTON—Expressing overwhelming gratitude for his partner, local man Tyler Dorfman told reporters Monday that marrying his wife Kelsey Dorfman, a woman who doesn’t eat her pizza crusts, was the best decision he ever made. “It’s basically double the crusts, or kind of infinity crusts when you think about how much more pizza in our lifetime we still have left to eat,” said Dorfman, who shuddered with dread as he speculated what would have become of his life if he had never met the woman who left the discarded crusts piled on the edge of her plate every time the couple ordered pizza approximately two to three times a month. “Yep, I pretty much won the jackpot with this one. Sometimes I even dip them in ranch dressing. Otherwise, we fight constantly and it’s pretty much a loveless marriage, but I can’t get enough of these crusts!” At press time, Dorfman added that if the couple ever had a kid, hopefully the child wouldn’t like to eat their pizza crusts either.

The Onion