LAREDO, TX—Explaining that she was more or less content with the life she’d made for herself, a local cat reported Monday that she wasn’t about to waste her time chasing a laser that didn’t want her. “Sure, in my younger years, I’d run all over the place for some laser that clearly had no real interest in me, but at this point, I just don’t have the energy for that nonsense,” said Cleo, a 7-year-old gray-striped tabby cat, noting that she had plenty of balls of yarn to bat around and was perfectly capable of skittering around the apartment on her own without some laser leading her on. “I just realized at a certain point that I don’t need a laser to be happy. If a laser comes along that is serious about not running off on me the first chance it gets, that’s great—but if not, that’s okay too. After all, what did I ever get from running after lasers but a burned retina?” Cleo went on to observe that every minute she didn’t waste chasing a laser was a minute she could spend lying on the couch licking her own genitals.
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