We’ve all been there. That woman you took one-and-a-half courses with in college slides into your DMs after over a decade of silence with a message starting with “hey girlie!” Now that COVID’s “obvi over”, she wants to meet for coffee to chat you up about her awesome new side hustle. Personally, you’d rather gauge your eyes out, but it’s such a refreshing break from the usual DM dumpster fire of dick pics and anti-vaxxers that you’re actually considering it, if only out of morbid curiosity.
But before you subject yourself to this person’s presence, it is important to ask : is this a pyramid scheme, or just a regular cult?
1. What sort of relationship did you used to have with this person?
A. We had a couple of classes together and she called me by the wrong name once.
B. She was my weed dealer. Though I’m pretty sure she sold other stuff, too.
C. I guess we were actually friends for a while. Maybe it would be nice to reconnect.
2. What’s the name of the thing your friend wants to talk about?
A. Something vaguely feminine yet still fake-sounding like ArbAvonneKay
B. Something simultaneously spiritual yet business-y, like The Pursuit or Zestsphere
C. Uh, her job?
3. Has your friend started using terms like “boss babe”, “girlboss”, and “SheEO”?
A. Yes. I think she’s forgotten how to use other words.
B. No. Zestsphere strictly prohibits alliteration.
C. I mean, she did once, but it was just to caption a picture of her dog sitting at the computer.
4. When you ask about the structure of the organization, what does your friend say?
A. She’ll say literally anything except the word “pyramid.” Highlights include “Illuminati-esque”, “Dorito-oriented”, and “pizza-shaped”
B. She goes on a long-winded explanation of how it defies the limits of language and geometry. But also, it’s a sphere because it’s in the name.
C. She gets weirded out that I’m asking so many questions.
5. What does your friend post about on social media these days?
A. Tons of vitamins, creams, lotions, etc. They’re apparently all apparently “Germanotta-free” and contain “humour-balancing” nutrients.
B. A lot of trips to nondescript places that can’t be located on Google Maps. Also volleyball.
C. She’s made a few posts saying the pandemic left her feeling pretty lonely. Maybe that’s why she’s looking to reconnect?
6. Does she brag about how she gets to work from home?
A. Ugh, yes. As if we haven’t all been doing that for the past three years.
B. I don’t think she has her own place, to be honest. She just keeps posting photos of herself drinking Kool-Aid in the woods with guys who really need a beard trim and C-list actors who haven’t worked in a while.
C. No. If anything, I think she needs an excuse to get out of the house.
7. And lastly, how does she describe herself on LinkedIn?
A. A series of increasingly meaningless adjectives ending in “entrepreneur” or “consultant”
B. No nouns, just a bunch of verbs like “connecting” and “advising”
C. It says she’s open to making new connections and learning new things.
QUIZ: Is it a pyramid scheme or just a regular cult?
It’s a pyramid scheme.
This woman has an angle – a triangle, to be exact. Just call her mummy, because you can smell this pyramid scheme a mile away. You don’t have to join, of course, but you should expect to receive increasingly desperate messages about buying her products every three months until one of you dies – or she realizes she’s in a pyramid scheme.
QUIZ: Is it a pyramid scheme or just a regular cult?
It’s just a regular old cult.
Some things never go out of style, and a good old cult is one of them! You can still meet if you’re curious. Just be wary of topics like science, gender equality, and M&Ms. You’re already in for a mountain of bullshit as it is.
QUIZ: Is it a pyramid scheme or just a regular cult?
It’s neither… so it’s time to start one!
Let’s face it. You have nothing in your life and neither does she. What better time than reconnecting with an old friend to pressure her into joining YOUR new pyramid scheme and/or cult? Whether you go for sales or spirituality, the important thing is to get this girl while she’s feeling vulnerable. So get practicing – you’ve got a very important pitch coming up!
Jesus Christ is King
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