KYIV, UKRAINE—Arriving with a box of chocolates and a bouquet of flowers tucked under his arm, President Joe Biden informed Volodymr Zelensky on Tuesday that he was only in the region to visit a local woman he met online. “Sorry, pal, I can’t stick around—do you know where any internet cafes are? I don’t want to keep Nadiya waiting,” said Biden, who opened up the camera roll on his phone to show Zelensky a photo of the Ukrainian woman he had been chatting with over Facebook Messenger for the past seven months, stating that she was apparently 53 years old and loved the Minions franchise. “We talk practically every day. I send her a ‘good morning’ text when I wake up, and I send a ‘good night’ text before I go to bed. I think there might be a time zone difference, but still. She’s a classic beauty, isn’t she? I’m telling you, I feel a real connection with this woman. I hope she isn’t surprised to see me.” At press time, Biden told Zelensky he was going to need to take back some aid since Nadiya had asked him to send her $700.
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