Ohio Officials Point At Glass Of Water To Assure East Palestine Residents It Safe To Look At

EAST PALESTINE, OH—Stressing that there was nothing to worry about in the wake of a derailment of a train carrying the toxic chemical vinyl sulfide, Ohio officials pointed at a glass of water at a press conference Tuesday to assure residents that it was still safe to look at. “See? Absolutely nothing to worry about about glancing at a full cup of water taken from this town’s water supply—here! I’ll do it myself!” said Governor Mike DeWine as he maintained firm eye contact with the drinking vessel, admitting that there was a slight tingling in his ears but that this was expected from looking at any normal glass of water. “Don’t be afraid to turn on your shower and really take a gander. Obviously, don’t look too long, or else you’ll get a little ache behind your eyes like I am right now. Huh, it actually kind of hurts. I want to look away, but I can’t. Sorry about this. I might need a second.” At press time, the governor’s head had imploded.

The Onion