WASHINGTON—Following weeks of closer scrutiny into objects entering U.S. airspace, Pentagon officials announced Tuesday that they’d successfully shot down a kid jumping too high on a trampoline. “The airborne object spotted about nine feet above a small midwestern town was successfully downed by an American F-22 with NORAD,” said Pentagon press secretary Brig. Gen. Patrick Ryder, confirming that the kid had been jumping way too high to not pose a very real threat to civilian air traffic. “We noticed the suspicious 10-year-old repeatedly approaching the United States fly zone on an erratic launch pattern, and our people had no record of approval for him to be at that altitude. As soon as we saw him bringing in a huskier boy for a double-bouncing maneuver, we knew we had to take action. We have not yet identified the purpose of such vigorous jumping, but we do believe his intentions were to get a better look at the rest of the neighborhood from up high in order to gather confidential state secrets.” At press time, the Pentagon claimed to have found additional evidence that the bouncing child was sent to the Michigan suburb by a foreign terror organization.
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