FDA Rules Any White Liquid Can Be Called Milk

WASHINGTON—Announcing that the overly restrictive rules would be rolled back once and for all, the Food and Drug Administration announced Thursday that any white liquid could now be called “milk.” “Starting today, any opaque liquid that is pale in color can legally be labeled ‘milk,’ regardless of its origin, taste, or smell,” said FDA chief Dr. Robert M. Califf, adding that after months of crafting the new regulation, substances like clam juice, tofu runoff, sunscreen, and white paint could now be sold freely in the dairy aisle. “Glue is now milk. Egg white is milk. Even semen is now milk, no matter what species the semen comes from! Bottom line, as far as we’re concerned, if you can put it in a bottle or carton and then pour it into a glass, that’s milk. Period.” At press time, the FDA recalled several million gallons of milk after the white liquid was found to have come from the udder of a bovine animal.

The Onion