‘I Hope Joe Burrow Takes A Team-Friendly Deal,’ Says Fan Who Will Be Laid Off Without Severance

WOOSTER, OH—With the Cincinnati Bengals quarterback’s future uncertain going into the final year of his contract, one local fan reportedly made his position clear Thursday: “I hope Joe Burrow takes a team-friendly deal,” said sales rep Matt Derby, who will soon be laid off without severance. “The Bengals front office believed in him, and he owes it to them to come back for his next contract at a discount,” said Derby, who is reportedly unaware that he will be terminated from the job he has held for nine years in four months’ time and will receive no compensatory pay. “You’ve got to do whatever you can to allow the team to go out and acquire more weapons for a Super Bowl run, and I just hope Burrow doesn’t selfishly put himself first. Those guys already make so much money anyway, and he owes it to the fans to take a pay cut. And if he won’t play ball, let him walk, and the Bengals can just find another guy, [the same as my company will when they cut me loose without so much as an extra few days of health coverage, never mind a thank you, and cause me to become steadily depressed while I spend an entire year desperately searching for a new job].” At press time, the fan’s friend, local assistant restaurant manager Chris Wharton, said that star players like Burrow have too much control right before answering a call from his boss where he was informed he’ll have to work all weekend.

The Onion