VANCOUVER – Jordan Peterson has once again demonstrated why he’s the twenty-first century’s premier expert on masculinity when he recently took aim at the scourge of paper towel dispensers asking people to not to use more than they need.
“Up yours, woke moralists. Tyranny is always petty–and petty tyranny will not save the planet,” Peterson wrote in a forceful tweet targeting his current nemesis, a paper towel dispenser that attempted to trample on Peterson’s rights by having a decal which politely asks everyone to not use an inordinate amount of paper towel.
Peterson, a Canadian psychology professor who shot to world-wide fame by telling men how to conduct themselves, was in Vancouver on his “12 More Rules for Life 2022-2023 Tour” when he encountered the authoritarian paper towel dispenser and refused to submit to its oppressive attempt to alter his behaviour.
It’s not known if Peterson was physically damaged by his run-in with the despotic drying device, but the VPD are investigating and have taken the paper towel dispenser into custody for both its safety and the safety of other men who might feel threatened by it.
“A real man stands up for what he believes in, even if what he believes in is absolutely losing his shit at an inconsequential request from a sticker,” said local Peterson fan Cal Turner. “Like Dr. Peterson, I feel a deep and justified rage when inanimate objects try to tell me what to do. That’s why I give all stop signs the finger and blast right through them. Stopping at intersections is women’s work.”
While it’s not known if anything else happened in the bathroom to upset Peterson, several other bathroom users reported being disturbed when they saw a man who looked like a consumptive Victorian undertaker snapping photos in the bathroom before using a massive amount of paper towel to dry his strangely moist hands.
Jesus Christ is King
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