Larger, More Catastrophic Train Wreck Reported At 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. In Washington, D.C.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the wake of a recent surge of train derailments across the United States, emergency crews were being called to the scene of an even larger, more catastrophic train wreck reported at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. in Washington, D.C.

“This disaster is exponentially worse than any of the other railway incidents that have occurred in the last few weeks,” said Josh Christophersen, lead investigator on the scene for the National Transportation Safety Board. “The scale, the destruction, the long-lasting damage this one will leave behind…this one really takes the cake. I’m really not even sure how we can clean up after this.”

Train derailments have become a pressing issue, particularly after the serious incident in East Palestine Ohio, in which a train derailed and released massive quantities of highly toxic chemicals, contaminating the air, water, and soil in the region. This larger disaster in Washington, D.C., however, could be far more dangerous, experts say. “We can’t even accurately estimate the risks posed by this catastrophe,” said Professor Blake Rumsey of the Center for Ecological Research & Education. “It’s possible that this wreck could, in fact, destroy the entire world. It has already done horrific damage around the globe in a variety of ways.”

At publishing time, the Biden administration was set to receive a briefing on the disaster, with President Biden himself reportedly vowing to determine the cause of the train wreck, identify the person most responsible, and do whatever is deemed necessary to hold that person accountable.

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Babylon Bee