WASHINGTON—An AMBER Alert ringing out across the country to no one, the nation was placed in a state of emergency Thursday after the entire population went missing. “After being unable to determine the whereabouts of all 330 million residents of the U.S., we have been forced to declare a state of emergency,” read a statement from authorities, who were nowhere to be found, explaining that every single man, woman, and child in the country was last seen living their regular lives drinking with friends, shopping for groceries, and hiking before mysteriously vanishing without a trace. “Unfortunately, not a single person in the nation left any notes behind that would give us any hints as to where they may have gone. We are also unable to form a search party to look for them given anyone we could ask to look has also gone missing.” At press time, every single American had turned up in Serbia living under false identities.
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