Panicked ‘Cocaine Bear’ Producers Scrambling To Expand 4 Minutes Of Social Media Clips Into Actual Movie

HOLLYWOOD—Rushing to gather as much footage as they could piece together from what was already available on the internet, panicked producers of the film Cocaine Bear were scrambling Friday to expand four minutes of social media clips into an actual movie. “Shit, we didn’t think anyone was actually going to expect an entire feature film version of the six or seven clips that are on Twitter and Facebook,” said producer Elizabeth Banks, doing her best to remain composed as she used the same clip of the bear looking angry multiple times to create several more minutes of a final cut. “If I put all the scenes of the bear chasing Keri Russell and the other cast members in slow-mo, that will probably get us to about 15 or 20 minutes. Damn, I’m just going to have to loop the clip of the bear attacking that guy a bunch of times and hope nobody notices.” At press time, Banks was frantically putting the finishing touches on an extended 45-minute credits sequence for the film’s release this weekend.

The Onion