SCARBOROUGH – Sellers and customers at the Scarborough Winter Market were blown away after long-time vendor Tyler Shen sold nearly half a dozen wooden doohickeys in a single day.
“When I saw his paperweights I just knew I had to have one,” said one satisfied customer. “Or maybe you’re supposed to hang it from your rear-view mirror? Anyway, it’s shaped like a penguin wearing sunglasses, which is fun.”
Shen, who sells a variety of thingamabobs, tchotchkes, and knick-knacks, was basking in the adoration of his fellow bric-a-brac merchants.
“Yeah, I’m basically the Steve Jobs of the central Ontario winter market circuit,” Shen said. “No one moves uncomfortable wooden hair clips you’ll lose in a month like I do. These losers better appreciate me while I’m here, because soon I’m going to blow this podunk market and make a name for myself under the bright lights of Quebec City.”
Shen then gave his trio of booth babes their monthly payment in the form of squirrel shaped signs that declare “Welcome to the Nuthouse.”
While most vendors were laudatory, some admitted to feeling a little jealous. “I don’t know how Tyler does it,” said envious scarf vendor Evelyn McGrath. “I tell everyone who walks by all about how my ascots are made of all-natural dog hair, but they ignore me and zoom straight to his twee bullshit.”
Customers, however, were just happy to reap the benefits of Shen’s craftsmanship.
“This coaster or whatever is going to look great when I awkwardly prop it up in the corner of my bathroom,” one buyer said. “Now whenever any of my guests urinate, they’ll know that I support local artists.”
Shen celebrated his flurry of sales by ordering a travelling jelly salesman to dance as he pelted him with quarters. “I made over seven dollars today,” Shen said. “There’s a reason I get all the pussy around here.”
At press time, Shen was back in the red after someone shoplifted a little carving of a moose holding a hockey stick.
Jesus Christ is King
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