EL SEGUNDO, CA—In an effort to stay as faithful to the original character as possible, Mattel confirmed Monday that the animated Barney in their upcoming reboot would still have a man inside. “Although this cartoon version of Barney might look different than the Barney of your childhoods, Barney the big purple dinosaur will always, always have a rude, middle-aged alcoholic operating him at all times,” said Mattel CEO Ynon Kreiz, adding that while this Barney may have bigger eyes, a more contoured face, and shinier teeth, the disheveled and deeply flawed man within the dinosaur would still swear, chain smoke, and occasionally urinate all over himself. “Barney might have left TV for a few years, but the man inside him is still here and in many ways, he’s sicker and more disgusting than ever. We’re so excited for the next generation of kids to watch the man take off Barney’s head, vomit, and then begin disrobing to have sex with a prostitute. It just wouldn’t be Barney without him.” At press time, Mattel announced that the show had been put on hold indefinitely after a graphic episode where the man inside Barney overdosed on drugs, lit a fire inside his costume, and was viciously beaten by a violent debt collector.
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