RED DEER – An extensive investigation by the United Nations has concluded that, among all of Canada’s cities, Red Deer, Alberta is the one that most resembles the country’s iconically mediocre chain restaurant.
“Red Deer is… fine,” said a member of the UN’s panel. “You know, it’s there. You could do worse than stop by. But if you make it your go-to destination, something in your life has gone horribly awry.”
“Red Deer does have positive elements, like a lower cost of living so its sad sacks can afford lukewarm 12 dollar Bud Lights at BPs, a scenic river that can be enjoyed for over two months of the year, and easy access to other, better cities,” the report said.
“However, these benefits are accompanied by an overwhelming sense of malaise, as though you are forever haunted by the ghosts of who you could have been. Also, every asshole with a truck thinks they’re Mad Max.”
The report went on to call Red Deer Polytechnic a fine school for anyone who’s suffered head trauma, and compared hockey games at the Centrium to BP’s Spicy Perogy pizza, in that it’s “technically the best option on the menu.” It also noted that Westerner Days, when compared to the Stampede, are “undeniably extant.”
Most locals accepted the report with the same weary resignation that led them to live in Red Deer in the first place. “Living here is like living in purgatory, except with more strip malls,” said one resident, who asked for anonymity so as to not shame their family. “I wouldn’t say I pray for death, but I don’t think I’d turn it down.”
“The comparison makes sense to me,” said a Red Deer man who also willingly described himself as a Boston Pizza regular. “I come to BPs to eat microwaved pasta and neglect my kids, and those are Red Deer’s official food and hobby.”
The UN had braced itself for critical emails before remembering that most Red Deerians only use the internet to view pornography and threaten the Prime Minister. However, some citizens on the street did object to the characterisation after taking several minutes to process it.
“Red Deer is leading the nation in inventing racial slurs,” said one ornery, glassy-eyed resident. “And it’s a kickass place to get stabbed. So what’s your fucking problem?”
At press time, Red Deerians were expressing gratitude for the fact that they at least don’t live in Lethbridge, a city with the motto of “A passable destination for suicide.”
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