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Bud Selig Admits Taking Steroids Throughout Commissionership

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MILWAUKEE, WI—Reflecting on the aspects of his tenure as the top executive of Major League Baseball, Bud Selig on Tuesday reportedly admitted to taking steroids throughout his commissionership. “Sure, I did some performance-enhancing drugs, but you have to understand, that’s just how things were done back in the day,” said Selig, adding that he took anabolic steroids, as well as human growth hormone in order to gain an edge over the other MLB front-office executives. “Show me a commissioner who didn’t take steroids in the ’90s. It’s out of necessity, really—there are over 2,000 games in the season, and if you’re going to be able to oversee all of them at a high level, you’re going to need a little boost. And while I’m not trying to promote steroids, it’s worth noting that many of my greatest accomplishments, like interleague play and giving the All-Star Game winners home-field advantage in the World Series, might not have happened without a little bit of something extra. I certainly don’t think it should be disqualifying for me to have made the Hall of Fame.” Selig also defended taking steroids by noting that drug use among commissioners had been common across MLB history, including Bowie Kuhn, who reportedly used amphetamines during his tenure in the 1970s and early ’80s, and Kenesaw Mountain Landis, who consumed copious amounts of cocaine and alcohol during the 1920s.

The Onion

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