KYIV, UKRAINE—Pointing out that every armored vehicles they have received to date lacked signatures of basketball greats, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky requested Tuesday that the United States government send a tank autographed by Shaquille O’Neal. “While we appreciate the many Javelin anti-aircraft systems and artillery, none of them were signed by one of the best NBA centers of all time, the Big Shamrock himself,” said Zelensky, explaining that he and the rest of the nation were huge fans and an M1 Abrams tank with a signature in big letters across the vehicle’s side skirt or turret from the four-time NBA champion would really help the war effort and boost morale of the Ukrainian people. “We all grew up watching The Diesel and if we had a tank signed by Shaq, who dominated the court for 19 years, it would inspire us to dominate the Russians on the battlefield. Also, if the signed tank could also be transported in an acrylic protective case, that would be great.” At press time, Zelensky had posted the one-of-a-kind Shaquille O’Neal-signed tank on eBay.
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