LONDON — Eve has once again come in last in a global poll for Most Popular Women in History. Comments left by those polled again cited Eve’s instigation of the downfall of the human race as a whole as the main reason for her low ranking.
“She kinda got the ball rolling on this whole mess,” said Barry Poppen, one of the people polled who voiced their reasoning. “I mean, yeah, if she hadn’t done it, someone else would have, but the buck has to stop somewhere. Somebody has to take the blame here. We’re all looking at you, Eve!”
The poll, once again conducted by the esteemed Ranking the Women of the World think tank headquartered at Oxford University, caused some bit of controversy this year by refusing to allow biological males to be included in the rankings. “It is our stance that in order to be ranked among the women of history, one must be a woman,” said Dr. Johan von Wolfenstein, lead researcher on the poll. “Call us bigots if you must, but we’re just old school that way.”
As for the poll itself, Eve seemed to be making headway to climb out of the cellar in early voting, but soon began to plummet, falling below the biblical queen Jezebel, female members of the Manson Family, Adolph Hitler’s wife Eva Braun, and former First Lady Hillary Clinton in the final rankings.
At publishing time, progressive Christian feminist groups were reportedly launching a campaign to shift the blame from Eve to Adam, arguing that Adam’s patriarchal tendencies led him to force Eve into getting him something to eat.
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Babylon Bee
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