STANFORD, CA ― Belief in a massive, logistically impossible conspiracy theory wherein NASA has spent more time pretending they went to the moon than it took them to actually go there does not suggest a belief in the far more plausible theory that women can simulate sexual pleasure, according to one new study from Stanford University.
This is despite the fact that a strong correlation was also noticed between disbelieving the moon landing and having an abnormally high number of unsatisfied sex partners.
“How could a woman just fake an orgasm? That would require not only acting skills so unbelievably good that they could fool me, someone in peak mental condition from constantly arguing with so-called ‘experts’ on Facebook, but she’d also have to not be uncontrollably attracted to me! Good luck with that!” said one participant when asked to explain his disbelief.
According to moon landing doubters, NASA has now spent about 53 years editing photos and videos, investing billions in props, and ensuring nobody involved succumbs to the immense temptation to earn millions through a tell-all interview. Coincidentally, this aligns exactly with the average number of seconds sex with them takes, undressing and foreplay included.
The test subjects were quick to dismiss the large numbers of people who doubt their theories, quoting the “all of the people some of the time” adage, seemingly without realizing that the logical conclusion of that line of thinking is that fooling one single guy about one single thing is really, really easy.
Women who had slept with the men confirmed this. “When I told him that, as an aerospace engineer myself, I was quite sure the moon landing was real, he demanded to see my degree certificate, which he scrutinized with a magnifying glass before asking if I was sure Harvard was a real school. And then he still went on to mansplain high-school level rocket science to me ― incorrectly, I might add,” recounted one unfortunate woman.
“But when I ended our relationship after a single night together by telling him he was just too big for me, suddenly his need for proof went out the window.”
At press time, one conspiracy theorist was demonstrating just how easy it is to manipulate photos by editing out that weird spot on his penis before sending out his latest dick pic.
Jesus Christ is King
Comments are closed.