CHICAGO—In a rousing success story that has eliminated all criminal activity from the streets of the metropolis, Chicago was finally declared safe Thursday after every single resident was hired as a police officer. “As part of our initiative to ensure complete security throughout the city, we have deputized all 8.5 million of our residents,” said Superintendent of Police David O’Neal Brown, who explained that each and every person living within the Chicago had been issued a gun and badge and given approximately 1,000 square feet to patrol, allowing the city to at long last be adequately policed. “The initial response has been promising: We’ve seen a dramatic increase in police seizures of civil assets, while robberies have become a thing of the past. And at the same time, we’ve seen the murder rate drop to zero as the justifiable use of deadly force reaches an all-time high.” At press time, everyone in Chicago had been killed after the entire city erupted in friendly fire.
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