WASHINGTON—In an announcement that drew enthusiastic applause from the influencers and supporters in attendance, audience members at the Conservative Political Action Conference were reportedly encouraged Thursday to reach under their chairs and receive a complimentary groping from the event’s organizer, Matt Schlapp. “We’ve got a special little treat for attendees this year—just check beneath your seat cushion for a free molestation from Matt Schlapp himself!” CPAC board member Matt Whitaker said to rapturous cheers as he pointed out one attendee after another and confirmed that every last one of them would get a diddling from the influential lobbyist. “You get a fondling! And you get a fondling! And you get a fondling, too! Go ahead, stick whatever body part you want under the seat, and you’ll get a big fun surprise from the head of CPAC!” Whitaker added that one lucky audience member would even get chosen to spend a few minutes alone with Schlapp in his car.
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