PASO ROBLES, CA—Noting that she had procrastinated cleaning him for so long that he had developed a thick, impenetrable layer of grime, local woman Tiffany Watters told reporters Thursday that she had left her filthy, grease-covered boyfriend in the kitchen sink to soak for a few hours. “It’s disgusting, I know, but it had been at least two days since my boyfriend got dirty, and no amount of scrubbing or scraping was getting the food residue off him,” said Watters, adding that there were so many stains, pieces of charred bits, and hardened food scraps stuck to his skin and hair that her only option was to cover the boyfriend in soap, fill up the sink, and submerge him in warm water. “I knew I should have at least tried to wash my boyfriend the second I finished cooking, but he’s not dishwasher safe, and I know it’s bad if you scratch him. I’m just hopeful that leaving him to soak overnight will loosen up some of the crud so I can get him nice and clean again. Otherwise, I’ll probably have to throw him out.” At press time, an impatient Watters reportedly asked if she could use her roommate’s boyfriend for a few hours.
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