GENEVA — The long-awaited Center For Celebrating The Protestant Heritage Of Artistic Excellence opened to the public in John Calvin’s home city of Geneva, Switzerland last week, after nearly 30 years of constructing the massive building and compiling the greatest works of Protestant art it would house. Attendees report that the imposing structure has space sufficient to hold hundreds of paintings and dozens of full-scale sculptures, but currently stands 100% empty.
“We wanted to enshrine this monument for time immemorial, demonstrating once and for all that Protestants art is more than one-plain-pine-pulpit and a large-print KJV, and to that end, we are proud to declare that our museum stands shoulder-to-shoulder with the Sistine Chapel itself!” Program Director Ulrich Knox spoke to tourists and museum patrons on the same plot of land where the groundbreaking ceremony for the museum’s foundation had occurred 30 years before, expounding on the importance of recognizing the multitude of majestic Protestant contributions to the visual arts.
Knox intoned the illustrious history of Protestant art and sculpture, comparing Protestant cultural contributions favorably against what he called “papist graffiti from Raphael, fourth-rate play-dough sculptures from Peter-Paul Rubens, or that crayon chicken-scratch from that Romanist hack Caravaggio.”
Additional eyewitness reports included further expressions anti-Catholic sentiments, with one tourist saying he saw Knox stop short of shattering a window that had suffered a spill of colorful soda, as he had mistaken it for a stained-glass window. Other sources confirm that the docents leading tours were armed with batons for crushing any “graven images,” with one enthusiastic guide using a crowbar to remove the “Exit” and “Restroom” signs for a perceived second-commandment violation.
At publishing time, the museum had been updated with a first-edition copy of the protestant masterpiece Left Behind.
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