Sex-Related Injuries That Could Send You To The Hospital

Ouch!

Though quite a serious condition, especially in women, if one’s body begins to spasm with pleasure, seek medical attention immediately.

While it’s important to stop intercourse frequently for short snack breaks, if you get a hot dog lodged in your windpipe, doctors recommend you pause fornication and seek medical attention immediately.

If you’re lucky enough to be the sole survivor of the melee, try to get to a hospital, but be warned: The police are going to have some questions.

As a reminder, always wear your seatbelt while riding the Bang Bus. Too many sluts have died as a result of the Bang Bus.

Over 37% of sex-related injuries are some variation of this one.

Even with a hospital visit, it’s unlikely that you’ll ever recover.

Not only is breaking a crown on one of your vaginal molars excruciatingly painful, but leaving it untreated could mean you’ll need a vaginal root canal down the line.

Most common in women, getting pregnant is a serious medical condition that occurs when one’s egg is assaulted by sperm.

It’s advised that if one’s frightened penis should recess itself inside the body, one should immediately seek a doctor to coax it out with a piece of candy or some other treat to make it feel safe.

Consult with your lover before bringing food into the bedroom, such as a veal Parmesan sub or a meatball marinara grinder.

If you get mauled by the sex badger, you’ll want to go to the hospital immediately, as the sex badger can carry rabies, worms, and other dangerous diseases.

If you fuck your partner way, way too good, they might be sad that you aren’t fucking them anymore.

Stretching a condom over your head and saying “Look at me, I’m Mr. Condom Man” may seem like fun foreplay at the time, but it can lead to suffocation and even death.

While you may be able to feel around on the floor, pick them up, and stick your eyes back in, chances are, the next time you ejaculate, your eyeballs will shoot out even further.

Sometimes the vagina will begin crying if you hurt its feelings.

This one’s actually a job for the fire department.

Cum is toxic. Immediately rinse with more cum.

The rapid, repetitive movement of thrusting can cause a lot of friction, enough to engulf the entire shaft in fire. Be sure to keep an extinguisher within reach of your bed.

One person’s kink can be another person’s medical emergency.

It’s awkward to show up at the hospital clearly looking like you were mid-coitus when most of your skin was burned off.