U.S. Adds $19 Trillion In Debt Attempting To Win Toy For Girlfriend From Claw Machine

WASHINGTON—Jeopardizing its creditworthiness and standing on the global stage, the United States has so far added nearly $19 trillion to the national debt through repeated unsuccessful efforts to win its girlfriend a toy from an arcade’s claw machine, sources reported Thursday. “Right, little more, little left—stop!” said Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen, representing the world’s largest economy as she smacked the side of the machine and inserted another quarter in the nation’s 76,282,463,292,192nd attempt to obtain a poodle toy for its girlfriend, who critics argue would be content with a red plush bear in a cowboy hat that is much easier to reach. “What good is the full faith and credit of the United States if we can’t win a present that will make our girl smile? Goddamn it! I thought we had it that time. Call the Fed and tell them we need to mint more quarters! This whole thing is probably rigged, but America has to get that stuffed poodle.” At press time, the United States had reportedly gotten its arm stuck in the machine in an attempt to reach up through the slot and steal a toy.

The Onion