TORONTO – In the wake of Friday night’s uniquely meteorological event which saw both heavy snow as well as thunder and lightning, the city of Toronto has elected to once again call in the military, as well as the air force, just to be safe.
“The City of Toronto is known for one thing,” explained Deputy Mayor Jennifer McKelvie from a war room bunker underneath City Hall, “and that is calling in the military to deal with snow conditions the rest of Canada wouldn’t bat an eye at.”
“The other two things Toronto is known for are, “a sense of snooty superiority despite having elected the crack mayor, and vape shops,” McKelvie added.
With the entire city left terrified and even dumbfounded by the thunderstorm in addition to a moderate amount of lightning, Torontonians agree there is no other option left than calling in the military.
“Mayor Lastman had the right idea back in ‘99,” explained Roderick MacInnis, of York. “No matter how ridiculous calling in the army looks, our Torontonian hands are too delicate to handle this much snow, let alone whatever lightning might do to it.”
“I heard that some homeless people were trying to use the thunderstorm to bring a giant snowman to life to terrorize the city,” noted Etobicoke resident Sandra Clarkes. “The army cannot get here fast enough, thank you very much!”
“If they do not call in the army to shoot at this thundersnow, who will protect my 10 empty luxury condos where I have laundered my money,” explained Oleg Prokhorov, of Moscow.
Meanwhile the Canadian Military has been mobilized to downtown’s Bay King district.
“We’ve arrived with our shovels to dig out Toronto,” explained Major Francis Lancaster. “The resources had to be diverted all the way back from the Ukrainian front lines, but even they understood Torontonians’ helplessness in the face of moderate weather.”
Reached for comment, Prime Minister Trudeau emphasized that he is in favour of any measures that gets people to stop talking about Chinese electoral interference for 10 minutes.
At press time the thundersnow has led Toronto citizens to loot the city’s Nordstrom, not because of weather, but because it’s closing soon.
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