Man Finally Mature And Loving Enough To Be Good Partner After He No Longer Attractive

WELLS, ME—Noting that his significant growth had prepared him for a real relationship, local man Will Davenport confirmed Monday that he was finally loving and mature enough to be a good partner now that he was no longer attractive. “Having lived most of my life as an emotionally inept womanizer, I’m happy to say I’ve grown out of those habits now that nobody wants to fuck me,” said Davenport, admitting that he was looking for real, reciprocated love now that his hair was thinning, he had gained weight, and his jowls were beginning to show. “I’m looking for a partner I can be really loyal to and respect for who she is, now that I’m kind of running out of options in the pussy department. I just want to bring that presence and commitment of someone who knows they could never do better. I’m ready to be vulnerable and kind now that I have absolutely nothing going for me physically.” At press time, Davenport had reportedly begun cheating on his girlfriend.

The Onion