New NFL Combine Drill Tests Player’s Ability To Half-Ass Taping Of Local Sandwich Shop Commercial

INDIANAPOLIS—In an effort to gain a fuller picture of prospective players and ensure they would be good fits for the teams that drafted them, a new NFL Scouting Combine drill tested a player’s ability to half-ass a taping of a local sandwich shop commercial, sources confirmed Monday. “As part of our new drill, invited players have been asked to stand stiffly in a jersey and ill-fitting jeans while reading awkwardly from cue cards that encourage customers to come on down to Big Dave’s or Galaxy Sandwich,” said Jeff Foster, president of National Football Scouting Inc., which runs the combine, adding that the new drill had been added in response to increased desire in the NFL to ensure that a prospect would be a good match not only for the team, but also for the larger community. “During the drill, each draft hopeful works with a mediocre three-person film crew and an overbearing local sub shop owner to shoot the most ham-fisted 30-second television spot they can over a period of 12 hours. GMs and scouts want to know whether a college linebacker not only has the skills to rush the quarterback at the professional level, but also whether he’s going to be completely wooden on camera while saying something like ‘I’m gonna enjoy this sub in the end zone.’” At press time, offensive tackle Cody Mauch was rumored to be flying up draft boards after completing in his first take one of the most stilted sub shop ad spots anyone had ever seen.

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