PLAINS, GA—Alarmed that he might live indefinitely, former President Jimmy Carter reportedly began to worry Tuesday that he might never die. “How much longer will I keep going on like this—another decade? Two?” said Carter, staring at his wrinkled, aging face in the mirror and wondering aloud how he could possibly look any older. “Please, I’m so old. I just want to feel death’s sweet release, but I keep on living. I was so excited when I entered hospice care, because I thought this cursed existence was finally over. Yet somehow, I’ve only gotten stronger.” At press time, reports confirmed Carter had begun to weep after shooting himself in the head only to realize he was still alive.
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