Man Too Chickenshit To Blow Up Oil Refinery Guesses He’ll Try To Eat More Locally

DALLAS—Neither bold nor committed enough to enact true environmental change, local chickenshit Anthony Stanback decided Tuesday that instead of blowing up an oil refinery, he would try to eat more locally sourced food. “I guess it wouldn’t hurt to start hitting up the farmers market more often,” said the 31-year-old detestable coward, who was far too weak-willed to strap a bomb to his chest, drive through the night to the nearest petroleum plant, and obliterate the infrastructure responsible for the destruction of the environment. “I can barely remember to bring my own tote bags to the grocery store. How am I going to learn to build a bomb? I could join a CSA, though. It’d be nice to get some local honey. Or, you know what, it’s going to be hard eating all that fresh produce, so maybe I’ll just see what local brands are at Whole Foods.” At press time, Stanback had purchased a reusable water bottle as well as a sniper rifle for taking out at least a couple executives.

The Onion