WASHINGTON—Flirtatiously winking and calling the assembled reporters a bunch of “silly gooses,” the U.S. government coyly denied in a press conference Tuesday that it was involved with anything naughty. “Who, us? We would never, ever! The American government is way too sweet and innocent to go around playing dirty tricks like that,” said a blushing Secretary of State Antony Blinken, speaking in a baby voice and pursing his lips as he stood alongside Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin, National Intelligence Director Avril Haines, and other Cabinet-level officials, all of whom reportedly giggled and blushed like schoolgirls. “Why, we wouldn’t know the first thing about how to negotiate a $3 billion arms deal with the Saudis, allowing them to continue killing hundreds of thousands of Yemenis in what may be the worst humanitarian catastrophe of our lifetimes! We’re bad? No, you’re bad. And big and strong, too, aren’t you? Yes, yes, you are!” At press time, Blinken could not be reached for comment after he started to cry, left the stage, and told reporters that any chance they thought they had with the U.S. government was officially over.
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