MINNEAPOLIS—Rolling their eyes at the man’s bullheadedness, sources confirmed Wednesday that local 65-year-old Patrick Moyer was so Covid paranoid he still would not remove his ventilator. “It’s been three years since the pandemic started—what’s he going to do, keep wearing it for the rest of his life?” said sister Lea Valles, who added that she had not spent quality time with Moyer in months as the hospitalized man refused her numerous invitations to restaurants, barbecues, holiday parties, and other family gatherings. “He won’t even leave the ICU! It’s pathetic. It’s like, come on, don’t you want to live a little? It’s over! Everything’s open now! Honestly, I think it’s just a tribalism thing for him at this point, virtue signaling alongside all his other intubated liberal buddies in the hospital.” At press time, Valles added that the ventilator did not look very comfortable either.
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