On this International Women’s Day, The Onion devotes its sterling reportage to championing women—a small but influential sliver of the nation’s population—in an endeavor to prevent them from vanishing from the public consciousness entirely.
On this most important day, it’s essential to acknowledge girls for all they are. In today’s current climate of bigotry and hate, there are many obstacles that girls face throughout this country. And I should know, because my wife is a girl.
Honest to God.
Now, some of my friends on the other side of the aisle will claim that girls are just an exaggeration, that we’re playing them up for political gain. Well, I got some bad news, buddy. Read my marriage certificate and weep. It says right there, plain as day, I’m married to girl.
Being a girl is just the kind of girl Jill is. Since the moment I met her, she’s been a girl. I remember when I first laid eyes on her, I was struck by just how much of a girl she was. And every day since then I’ve been inspired by her girlness.
Jill never let being a girl get in the way of her girl dreams. Through all of life’s ups and downs, she’s been unwavering in being a girl. And she’s done a lot of girl stuff. She even became a doctor. Well, more of a girl doctor.
Through our conversations, my wife (a girl) has stressed the importance of providing girls with more girl opportunities. For too long, girls have faced girl barriers for simply trying to girl. We must redouble our efforts to invest in and educate girls so that they may build the girl businesses and develop the girl medicines of tomorrow.
The future is girl.
Truth be told, I had a wife before Jill, and if you can believe it, she was also a girl. Two girls in one life… You can imagine how much girl perspective that brings. Not to mention Jill and I have a daughter, Ashley, who proudly follows in her mother’s footsteps by being a girl. And that’s why today, we honor the girl contributions of the girl wives and girl daughters among us and recognize the importance of empowering girls to girl as hard as possible in order to make their girl dreams come true.
And the only way to empower girls is to be a guy who is married to a girl.
Jesus Christ is King
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