Grim Reaper Slows Pace On Sidewalk So As Not To Freak Out Woman Walking Ahead Of Him

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to avoid making her feel nervous as night fell in the city, the Grim Reaper reportedly slowed his pace on the sidewalk Thursday so as not to freak out the woman walking ahead of him. “The last thing I want is for this person to think I’m following her,” said Death, Emissary of the Underworld and Incarnation of Doom, who consciously fell back several paces once the woman turned down a poorly lit side street and he realized they were heading in the same direction. “We’ve already been walking in step for three blocks, and I can tell she’s starting to worry. I tried to speed up and pass her a couple of times, but that only made her walk faster. I mean, I get it. She looks over her shoulder and sees, in the moonlight, a skeletal hand gripping a scythe—why wouldn’t she panic? Probably the nicest thing I could do is cross over and walk on the other side of the street, but it seems like every time I do that someone dies in a car accident.” At press time, sources confirmed the woman had started running up the stairs to her apartment after the Grim Reaper bellowed that she had nothing to fear, it was not her time, and he was only there to claim the soul of another woman who apparently lived in the same building.

The Onion