JACKSONVILLE, FL—Promising the incredibly cheap and easy procedure would ultimately change patients’ lives forever, YouTube star MrBeast released a video Friday in which he re-blinded 1,000 people. “Today is awesome, because starting right now, we’re going to find hundreds of formerly blind people, stab them in the eyes, and destroy the vision that we just restored,” said MrBeast, whose real name is Jimmy Donaldson, before proceeding to put on scrubs, hide in a waiting room, and surprise each patient by jumping out, immediately driving a stake into their optic nerve, and then joyfully hugging them as they wept in disbelief. “It’s just so sad. A simple re-blinding procedure should be available to anyone, but the truth is, so many of these people could not afford even the most basic knives, scissors, or bows and arrows that I used to remove their eyesight. The government had the money to help these people and could have easily erased their vision forever. Why didn’t they step up?” At press time, MrBeast also surprised the patients by personally taking back several suitcases filled with $10,000 that he had gifted them.
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