Netflix Asks Any Men Thinking Of Killing Their Families To Just Contact Them Directly First

LOS GATOS, CA—Emphasizing that the earlier they found out about the brutal homicides, the better the end results, Netflix officials asked Friday that any men thinking of killing their families just go ahead and contact them directly first. “If you have plans to orchestrate a deadly string of murders that leaves your spouse, your kids, your parents, or your siblings dead, all we ask is that you keep us informed,” said CEO Ted Sarandos, adding that whether the men were quiet, unassuming small town residents with a deadly secret or big, wealthy celebrities with everything to lose, they should immediately send Netflix details regarding their plan and what murder weapons they intend to use. “The truth is, it’s fine if we start production after you’ve already done the murder, gotten caught, and inevitably gone to trial, but it’s way, way easier if you just clue us in early. We’re going to make a widely watched, tell-all documentary about you no matter what. So please, text us, call us, or even just send us a quick email if you’re going to shoot, beat, or stab your loved ones to death. That way we all win.” At press time, Netflix also asked that the men send over any relevant photos of themselves or the family they were planning on murdering so they could start casting the scripted remake of the true-crime documentary as soon as possible.

The Onion