New Evidence Finds Christ Used Followers’ Money On Lavish Fleet Of Private Donkeys

JERUSALEM—In a discovery researchers say could transform millennia of belief about Christianity’s founder, archaeologists from the University of Oxford uncovered new evidence Wednesday suggesting that Jesus Christ used followers’ money to purchase a lavish fleet of private donkeys. “Obviously, Christ preached much about the virtues of poverty, yet he himself appeared to live a highly luxurious lifestyle with a different high-end donkey for every day of the week,” said Dr. Peter Turner, describing the way that Christ would accept thousands of denarii from his most ardent followers in order to outfit his high-end, plush beasts of burden with diamond-studded horseshoes. “Many of the unfortunate souls who fell under Christ’s spell would give him all of their worldly possessions, walking around without sandals or shelter so their charismatic leader could afford to stock his state-of-the-art stable with some of the most sought-after asses in Galilee. Of course, Christ insisted to any doubting apostles that God had specifically told him that he needed hundreds of donkeys for his sacred work. And if that wasn’t effective, he would just accuse everyone of trying to betray him.” Turner added that a related finding suggested Christ used the glitz and glamor of the donkeys to convince dozens of his young female followers to sleep with him.

The Onion