NEW YORK—Saying the rapid gains had caused her to reflect on her dietary habits, local fetus Sarah Lehman reportedly panicked Monday after ballooning up to 500 times her original weight. “I’ve gotta slow down with the placenta, man—some of these nutrients, I don’t even chew them,” said the concerned fetus, noting that she had been doing kicks every day to burn extra calories, but that they didn’t seem to be helping with her relentless weight gain of four pounds over the past eight months. “When I was just a zygote, I was super hot. But now I’m gross. Ugh, and it’s just been getting worse and worse ever since I formed bones. Eww, I feel like my urogenital tract is totally closing off from all the fat.” At press time, Lehman added that she was also really kicking herself for not showing some self-control when she decided to absorb her brother several months ago.
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