Throughout recorded history, humans have been clever and resourceful as they sought out ways to avoid getting saddled down with an unwanted kid. The Onion looks back on the most ingenious forms of birth control used in ancient times.
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Mummification Of The Penis
Mummification Of The Penis
This ancient Egyptian birth control method involved wrapping the penis tightly in linen and treating it with embalming fluids.
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Just Getting Pregnant And Dying
Just Getting Pregnant And Dying
If nothing else worked out, there was always the option of throwing the dice, getting pregnant, and immediately dying during childbirth.
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Vaginal Cork
Vaginal Cork
Used as early as the fifth century B.C. by Romans, the vaginal cork saw some success in preventing an infant from escaping through the birth canal.
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An Eighth Of A Teaspoon Of Cinnamon
An Eighth Of A Teaspoon Of Cinnamon
Just a small amount of cinnamon—one of the oldest spices in the world—mixed into any dish has always been enough to terminate a pregnancy. Oh, sorry, you didn’t know?
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Beseeching Poseidon, God Of The Sea, To Burrow Into Your Womb And Eat The Fetus
Beseeching Poseidon, God Of The Sea, To Burrow Into Your Womb And Eat The Fetus
Of course, as belief in Poseidon dwindled, so did the use of this fairly successful method.
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Sweet-Talking The Cave Doctor Into A Cave Prescription Of Cave Birth Control Pills
Sweet-Talking The Cave Doctor Into A Cave Prescription Of Cave Birth Control Pills
One of the methods most widely used by early humans.
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Being Eaten By A Lion
Being Eaten By A Lion
As far back as ancient Rome, people would often prevent pregnancy by throwing themselves into the mouths of hungry lions immediately after sex.
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Saying Repeatedly That Your Wife Would Kill You If She Ever Found Out You Cheated So You Have To Do Something
Saying Repeatedly That Your Wife Would Kill You If She Ever Found Out You Cheated So You Have To Do Something
Even back in ancient times, guilt was a powerful tool.
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Shaming
One hundred percent effective against pregnancy when received before sex or after the baby has already been born, especially if administered by a complete stranger.
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Fire
One million years ago, early humans learned to wield fire for the primary purpose of frightening advancing sperm away from a woman’s vagina.
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IUO
The intrauterine ornithopter was a device designed by Leonardo da Vinci to fly up into the uterus and through the fallopian tubes to stop an egg from releasing.
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Too Malnourished To Get Pregnant
Too Malnourished To Get Pregnant
This clever trick used mostly by women of the peasant class involved not eating enough nutrients to ovulate properly.
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Only Having Sex With Prepubescent Children And Dead People
Only Having Sex With Prepubescent Children And Dead People
Before the more prudish sexual attitudes of modern times developed, ancient humans would seek out those who were incapable of producing children as a result of being dead or children themselves.
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Dying From Plague
Dying From Plague
This highly effective birth control method prevented pregnancy 100% of the time.
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Falling Into A Well
Falling Into A Well
In ancient times, many pregnancies were avoided simply by pushing a person to the bottom of a 30-foot-deep well.
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Smashing Penis With Big Rock
Smashing Penis With Big Rock
Ancient people knew that if the penis had been destroyed by a rock, it could not get anyone or anything pregnant.
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Busting A Load Into Your Hand And Then Losing Interest In Sex
Busting A Load Into Your Hand And Then Losing Interest In Sex
Originally invented by Greek philosopher Pythagoras, this brilliant birth control method was practiced by geniuses from Isaac Newton to Bertrand Russell.
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Offering To Go 50-50 For Plan B
Offering To Go 50-50 For Plan B
Even when emergency contraception just consisted of swallowing a poisonous herb, ancient men still wanted to go halfsies.
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Mayan Method
Mayan Method
It worked perfectly every time, and without any need for medicines or external devices. Too bad the Mayans all got slaughtered and the only 100% successful form of natural birth control was lost to history.
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Being As Wretched As Lady Gwendolyn
Being As Wretched As Lady Gwendolyn
’Sblood, the ladye was more pox-ridden than a fowle warthog’s arse. Get thee from here, broke-ass wench.
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Angering The Pharaoh
Angering The Pharaoh
Displeasing the pharaoh and being summarily executed was a surefire way of avoiding an unwanted birth.
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Three-Pack Of Durex From Corner Bodega
Three-Pack Of Durex From Corner Bodega
When the ancient Romans ran out of beetroot or thistles to rub on their dicks, they would usually just run to the closest bodega and grab one of these—just to make sure.
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Fat From A Starveling Deer’s Caul, Bitter Root, Mandrake Rubbings, The Muck Of Brimstone, And Then You Prematurely Ejaculate Before Getting Close To The Woman
Fat From A Starveling Deer’s Caul, Bitter Root, Mandrake Rubbings, The Muck Of Brimstone, And Then You Prematurely Ejaculate Before Getting Close To The Woman
This surefire recipe for an ancient elixir—applied under a solstice-night moon—had a near-perfect success rate as long as the partner broke down in tears and apologized profusely for not lasting longer.
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Horsey Sauce
Horsey Sauce
Arby’s signature sauce was used in Babylon as spermicide.
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You’ve Made It This Far…
You’ve Made It This Far…
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