Report: Being Held Closely By Person Who Loves You Probably Not Even That Great

CHICAGO—Suggesting that there was no specific reason for pursuing such a goal, a report released Monday confirmed that being held closely by the person who loves you probably isn’t even that great. “In all likelihood, there is nothing particularly novel or enviable about feeling the arm of a lover wrapping closely around you at the end of a hard day,” the report read in part, adding that such an individual’s warm breath on the back of your neck, and the whisper in your ear confirming that you are beloved despite any of your flaws or missteps, really didn’t seem to be worth spending too much time thinking about. “Sure, some might talk themselves into believing that all they could possibly want in life is to have someone who looks at them, understands them for who they are, sees how they hurt inside—comprehends all of their difficulties and pains—and yet somehow affirms that they are perfect exactly as they are. However, those people are mistaken. In fact, such an experience is believed to be on par with, say, eating reheated rice. Maybe slightly worse.” The report concluded that far better than such an arrangement was having a whole other side of your empty, dust-covered bed that you could roll onto whenever you so desired.

The Onion